Entry 1

It's interesting reading my previous posts (including drafts) because something that seems so significant back then has since faded from my memory. Reading these posts was like reading someone else's freshly posted blog. Completely new. Honestly, I don't even remember writing some of these OR who/what they were about. Interesting.

Here is what's currently going on in my life.

So everyone (everyone excluding everyone but myself. Table for one please) knows, I'm writing these entries so that later on down the line I can find this blog again and realize just how insignificant everything going through my mind really is. That, and let's be real, this is mainly just a journal entry hoping God will read it and tell me what to do. "I dislike conflict" *disappears and shatters the word of God*

^ If that reference needs explaining to you, I'm not the one to do so.

Alright, another day in the life of Ashley Cosgrove. Yes, last time I wrote anything I was a Watson. I am married now to Colby Cosgrove. The smartest (most of the time) most handsome guy to walk this earth.

Okay, Okay, we all know we just want the juicy drama in my life.

RECAP: Just lost one of my oldest best friends. Thinking about letting go of my CURRENT best friend. Went from hating myself to being able to tolerate myself and on RARE occasions, liking what's staring at me in the mirror. About to retire from the short lived co-owner position of the Production Company I've been with for little to no time at all. Conflicted on if I should pursue the already funded solo career presented to me or turn it away OR have babies first and then pursue it.

Cool, now that everyone is up today, let's go into detail.

I just lost one of my oldest best friends

This I saw coming years ago but I fought it every step of the way as usual. I've been studying zodiac signs and really do see truth in them. It is very typical for my sign (Leo) to fight for something they feel passionate about and it is typical of her sign (Cancer) to push people away and bottle things up. Big conflict, right? Right.

For years we have been extremely distant. It broke my heart and actually HURT everyday I saw her post pictures partying with her new friends and then turn around and tell me she was too busy to hang out with ANYONE. Sorry hun, but your excuses were lame and were not very well backed up. Don't tell me that and then turn around and post pictures all over the social media we are FRIENDS ON.

I'm getting angry just writing this out. So, I'm just going to skip over that part and talk about the last few fights we had. Let's talk about the time she invited me then uninvited me then re-invited me to her wedding.

First off, let me tell you how it ended. I didn't go to her wedding and we are now strictly social media friends. As in, I bet she secretly hopes I lose her number. It went that bad. Let me also tell you that I didn't expect ANY of this to happen. I expected to be there at her wedding NOT be the drama that happens just before it.

The gist of it is this: She was one of my bridesmaids. To my surprise she didn't pick me as a bridesmaid for her. Her wedding was on my husband's birthday. I planned an awesome birthday for him then realized that it was conflicting with her wedding. Me, being a blunt Leo thought that it would be a good idea to ask her if she cared that I even attended her wedding since we have been so distant lately and from my perspective, felt like she couldn't care less. Obviously, I realize now that that was a very bad idea. She didn't give me a straight answer and led me to believe that I need to attend so I started cancelling plans only to receive a text from her saying I was un-invited along with some nasty hurtful remarks. I took it all in. I hurt her, I semi deserved that. We went back and forth and was re invited to her wedding so I rephrased my question in a nicer way and promised myself that if she didn't CLEARLY state that she wanted me there, I wasn't going to attend. As you all already knew, I didn't attend.

Lots of factors went into this. We went from see each other everyday best friends to holiday text friends. As soon as she met her boo she dropped off the face of the planet. She's that girl. She wouldn't hang out, keep conversations going, nothing. So, I thought our friendship was over. It hurt and I tried for YEARS to fix it but she wasn't responsive to anything I tried to do.

Should I have done that a few weeks before her wedding? Probably not but I needed to know. I'm not going to do everything possible to spend time with someone who doesn't care when I SHOULD be making my husband's birthday amazing. Should I have gone about it a different way? Yes. I understand that now and even tried to patch things up which she of course didn't appreciate. I think she would have rather liked to have ended it with the hurtful words she said. I, however, didn't say anything hurtful (she's about to get married! I knew not to bicker and blame.) and still got the short end of the stick. In the end I ended up telling her that maybe we aren't meant to be in each others lives anymore. I ended things in a civil way (Well, as civil as it can get over text. She refused to meet up in person.) and I feel a lot more peaceful about the situation then I did before. I still get frustrated knowing that she really has no idea how much she hurt me but I'll get over it. I've already started.

I'm thinking about letting go of my CURRENT best friend

Think about a boho, beautiful, sassy, short, rockin' body, basically perfect at everything she does human. That is my current best friend. She's that girl you see on instagram and WISH you had her life. She has an amazing relationship with her family, she is getting her life in order, she has the "perfect" relationship with her boyfriend (almost fiance') and if you could shop ANYWHERE you'd want it to be in her closet. You have a girl in mind? I bet you have someone added on instagram just like the person I'm describing. Well let me tell you something, they have built an AMAZING fasaude.

It took me a long time (we've been friends for three years and up until last week I thought she was better than me. She was like Regina George. Even though she can be an asshole to you, you wanted to be her friend because she appears so perfect.) but I've realized that everything she's built up on social media and what comes out of her mouth is either a fabrication of the truth, a delusion or something sassy that covers up her HUGE insecurities.

Elaborate? I thought you'd never ask.

This 24 year old girl has an extremely unhealthy relationship with her parents. For the first half of her relationship with her boyfriend, she would tell him that she couldn't hang out because she was with her family. In her head people in order of importance goes like this: Family, Future husband, extended family, future husbands family, future husbands friends, Starbucks, me. I'm all about being a family person, but if you're going to marry this man shouldn't you put him first? And don't even get me started on my spot in her life or her parents "no sex before marriage" policy that she talks about to me after she's spent the night the whole week at her boyfriends. They weren't playing video games the whole time, I'll just keep it at that.

Her relationship with her boyfriend is MESSED up. MESSED UP. Like, she should have broken up with him months ago. Notice how two important relationships are unhealthy in her life? I'm not one to spill someone else's drama in a blog but if I were, you'd be right with me staying she needs to dump his ass. Hard drugs, cheating and HEAVY baggage doesn't exactly make up the perfect husband. But she's blind to it all and NOW will do anything he wants her to to keep him around. ANYTHING. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

Now her relationship with me.

If NO ONE ELSE can hang out with her, she will call me up. I wish I could end it there but for a long time I was okay with it because remember, she was supposed to be this perfect little thing. Well, after I decided to work on myself, I thought it would be a good idea to analyze my relationships with people. Pros and Cons status. The only Pro to this relationship was I had someone to MAYBE talk to when I had a problem. Maybe. If she wasn't busy doing something else. Whereas, it didn't matter WHAT I was doing, I had to drop everything to help her out. Not because she ever verbally made me but hey, isn't that what friends are supposed to be for? Support when they need it most? I thought so, too. Apparently, she doesn't realize it's a two way street.

Aside from that she likes to think half of my life doesn't exist. It's the most important half of my life. My music career.

Brief background on me. I tour Japan as the lead vocalist in a band names Skylark. Yes, I have fans. Yes, my band is popular there. Yes, I hang out with famous people when I'm there. In the US? I'm just the girl next door who sings too loud to her music.

So, now you understand why completely ignoring this aspect of my life and not showing any sign of support bothers me. I've brought it up to her before and she said she would work on it but actions speak louder than words.

Then, there's the fact that I feel extremely shitty about myself when I'm around her. She's interesting, this one. She will purposely tell me she isn't wearing any makeup when we go out so that I won't dress up. And when she comes over? Completely dressed up, makeup and all, while I'm in yoga pants with my hair in a bun. Yes. This really happens. Then, bring in the fact that she tells me my style is shitty (when really I just don't like to dress up. I'm married! I owe no one the pleasure of seeing me look beautiful after spending 45 minutes in the bathroom getting ready to go to the DOG PARK.) and tries to take instagram photos of us (with me having NO MAKEUP ON) only to post the one where she looks perfect and I look shitty. The whole situation makes me feel, you guessed it, SHITTY.

So, little does she know, I caught on. Yes, this took a long time but I caught on. I play the game. I dress up when she tells me not to. I post instagram pictures of HER looking shitty and tag her. I actually play the instagram game better than her seeing as how I now have more followers than her. She moped about that one as soon as she found out. Boo hoo. Followers don't MATTER.

Well, I kept up with all of that for a few months then realized that it was completely exhausting. It wasn't fun anymore and was it really healthy being in a "who's prettier" competition with my BEST FRIEND? I know, I didn't start the competition to begin with but like I said before, I started working on me and realized that if she needs those 100 likes on instagram to make her feel better about herself and if she needs to be the prettier one than she needs counseling. She needs acceptance from the whole world when in reality, the world wouldn't give TWO shits if she stopped posting on her social media. It wouldn't give a rats ass if she didn't wear any make up to the dog park or Kohl's. So, why am I trying to compete with something that isn't even healthy?

Needless to say, I stopped dressing up to compete and only got ready if I felt like it. Sure, I'll dab some powder on my face but will I waste a pair on contacts? No. I'm comfortable with wearing my glasses. I don't owe anyone a pretty face except for my husband and does he come with us? Never.

I feel so much more confident when I'm hanging out with other friends (mainly because they tell me how great I am. As a friend SHOULD.) but at the same time everything in her life seems to have a trend. It's unhealthy. Should I stay and help her through this? Or should I do what's best for ME and part ways? God, if you're listening I'd really like some guidance on this one.


Well, I have more problems but I feel like this post is long enough.


Until next time,
Babyblooink